What the [expletive], man?

Okay, this is a bit of understatement

but sometimes I really don't understand God.

He shows you something that seems to say, "Look, this is good.  This is what you want.  You aren't searching in vain."

But then..

He says, "Ha! gotcha!  You thought you had something good.  You thought that everything was just the way you dreamed.  But you were wrong.  Try again."

What am I supposed to learn from that?

I know you're probably wondering what I'm talking about, but I'm afraid to be too explicit here.  Endure my ambiguity please.  It's just frustrating and discouraging when you do everything correctly but your work is all for naught.  It's alright when there is a lesson to be learned, but what about the times when you can't find the lesson?  What are you supposed to learn then?

And what if it isn't a failed venture?  What if you could fix things with a little extra work?

And if that were the case then how would you know it?

. . . .

. . . .

I'm annoyed and frustrated at my indecision.

(P.S. God doesn't speak in American vernacular)

...(wheels)?

Hey check it out, I'm famous!

See that over there?  13 followers (*edit: 15!), and one of them I've never met in my life (apparently he is from Portugal)!  I feel cool....

Also, I talked to Brother Sherrell Johnson today about my car:

SJ: "It's a '68 Buick?"

Me: "yeah"

SJ: "What kind of engine does it have?"

Me: "um... [attempting to sound knowledgeable] ..a V6?"

SJ: "Two-jet carburetor, right?  I have a couple of them lying around, in fact I know right where they are.  Just come by and pick 'em up sometime."

Me: [completely ecstatic!] "Wait wha-- Really?!  Are you sure?  Oh, thank you so much!!"

Wahoooo!  I'll finally be able to get my beautiful lawn ornament rolling!  And when she is up and running I will finally be able to christen her.  I've had a name picked out since day one, but I'm keeping it a secret until she can move.

hehe, I wrote Brother Johnson a letter two days ago asking for assistance.  He'll probably get it tomorrow...

symphonic cacophony.. er something like that....

I wish there were a song for how I feel right now.

It would have a lot of humming. and bagpipes. and spoons. and banjo. and cello. and trumpet.

Needless to say it is a very interesting song.  It's part happiness, part confusion, part worry, part contentment, part excitement, part dread, and part reckless abandon.

                [insert contented smile here]

And I really love country dancing!  Sometimes I forget just how much I love it.  I'm also really bad at it.  My repertoire includes...maybe five or six moves?  They teach me things and I learn them. and then I promptly forget them and revert to those same moves.  I need to go more often because a) it's a blast b) I'm an awful dancer and c) it's a great cheap date.

And guess what!  I was accepted to Utah State University!  Woot!  That means I'm an Aggie now... hehe.  In reality though, I'm not as excited as I should be.  Perhaps if I had a clue about where I were headed and how I'm going to get there then I would be a little happier.  As it is, I'm worrying about a mission; How will I pay for it?  How will I get myself in the correct frame of mind for it?  How will I pay for it? and, How will I pay for it?

They are calling it a Depression now.  As if we ever expected it to be anything less.  I find it a little funny that in European history classes you read about dozens countries that tried in vain to save their financial and economic systems by printing off more money.  Again and again you watch fiat money systems collapse.  Even recently, in places like Bolivia where my dad served his mission there was price inflation of 15,000 %!  Paper money systems always fail. Always.  Especially if you decide to print billions upon billions of paper notes!

I also find it a little funny that almost every economist agrees that pumping money into the system is the wrong solution.  They advocate letting the economy run its course and correct itself.  So why is our government pushing so hard for bail-outs?...

I also find it a little funny that people think free-market capitalism is what got us into this mess.  Our economy is very far from free-market, almost every aspect of it is regulated, protected, or controlled in some way.  I like Rex Vallis's "spinning top" analogy.

So yeah..

• my personal soundtrack.
  
• my love for country swing.
  
• my college acceptance.
  
• my mission anxiety.
  
• my views on the Depression of 2009-ish.
  

(But just watch, they won't actually say the word "Depression" for a long time.  They'll come up with some sort of euphemism for it.)

Is it Springtime yet?

I want winter to end.

I want to fix my car.

I love pumpkin cookies.

I love early-morning and late-nite escapades with my brother.

I think my aunt Amber needs some sense kicked into her.

I really love my friends.

I want winter to end.

I like having true friends, the kind you can invite over for peanut-butter and apricot jam sandwiches and not care whether the house is a mess.

I like these new CD's Alecia gave me (thanks, Alecia-leia!).

I want winter to end.

I need to win the lottery.. or something.

I don't feel prepared for this Depression.

I need to get caught up on my to-do list.

I want to be a tenth of the tenth.

I want winter to end.

I need to finish Mansfield*bloody*Park.

I am so excited for graduation.

I am dreading graduation.

And I really, really want winter to end.

disquiet-

All week I have had an awful, anxious feeling.

As though I were forgetting something really important.

A stressed feeling, like the kind you get when you know something horrible is coming, something you dread.

A gut-clenching feeling.

Worried.

Pressed.

Restless.

Looking over my shoulder to see if I would find what I couldn't remember.

It's been driving me crazy.  I can't think straight.  My thoughts jump from box to box.  I'll be doing the dishes and suddenly realize I don't know whether I am loading or unloading the dishwasher.  When I try to speak I simply lose track of where I was going.

What on earth is making me so nervous?

title:______.

I sat down here to write a post.

But I can't decide what to write.

Do I write about the jazz festival that Singers went to today?  Do I write about Israel and Palestine?  Do I write about New Hampshire's recent denouncement of the federal government over its abuse of power?  Do I write about my growing abhorrence for snow?  Do I risk writing about just how much I love attending church?  Do I write about a dozen more subjects that I could possibly write about?....

By the way, I've been forwarding e-mails about national and world events to a few of the people who read this blog.  The e-mails are pertinent to our current situation and they are really interesting (or at least I find them interesting).  If you would like to be added to my mailing list just leave me a comment with your e-mail address, but don't worry, I won't let your address be posted publicly, only I will see it.  Um.. I won't flood your inbox, I will send maybe two or three e-mails every week or so.

My grammar be, awfuls.

Movie Party!

I'm going to let this video speak for itself.  It is about an hour long.  Even though it looks like it should be viewed on an old-school slide projector it is actually pretty good at providing facts and hard evidence to support its claims.

So take some time to watch it.

Really.

...and eat more apricot kernels.  

*edit: the movie is titled A World Without Cancer.

my eyes are going fuzzy...

Re-reading Ender's Game (until three in the morning!).  One of my very favorite books ever.  If you haven't read it then you aren't a red-blooded American.

College applications were annoying and stressful.  What if I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life?  Can I change my mind after I get back from my mission?

I have a bad case of Senioritis.  I really don't care about any of my classes anymore.  So many people are driving me crazy.  The sheltered, bureaucratic, self-contained world of high-school is getting really old.

But then there are my friends...  Looking at my friends never ceases to amaze me.  Some of the people I once couldn't stand are now my best friends.  But then some of the people who were once such a part of my life are now distant and foreign.  There have been so many interesting twists and turns which produce the most unexpected results.

It is sad to know that most of them will soon be little more than a memory.  I won't see them again and I probably won't care.  We have such a large --no, monstrous-- group of tight-knit friends.  We've gone on thousands of adventures and had thousands of laughs.  We have characters and personalities more varied than any author of fiction could ever invent!

Some days I know I'm going to miss every single one of them.  Other days I know it wouldn't faze me if they were gone tomorrow.

Some days

i wonder...

where

the Devil i'm going..

or

how

I'm gonna get there...